Hurculean Bald Spot in the Wind

On the interstate the other day making my way to school minding my own business when I noticed it. A bald spot up ahead. It was like a light tower warning incoming vessels from the dangerous shore ahead… except it wasn’t warning anyone. This light tower of baldness was a means of distraction I suppose. Once I locked mine eyes on this glowing bald-spot reflecting headlights and the setting twilight sun it was game over for me.

The man presumably has worked his way through the education system, finished with a bachelors and landed a Nine-to-Five he’s used to give value to his likewise generic life. His children, now men, are out of the house and it’s his time to shine. But no, he’s not boring. He’s not lame. No world, he’s not generic by any means. He’s purchased a Green BMW 3-series Convertible, and he’s making a statement. He is expressing himself now!

Look at my FUCKING BALD SPOT!

Unknown to him, what the man has achieved by virtue of his excellent genetic code and the aging process was something entirely more exceptional. The giant radiating bald spot on the top of his dome. It scares women and children. It can with a single blow dismantle the entire Union Pacific rail system. It can provide incubation and bring to normality a 3 month prematurely born baby. It can weld aluminum. It can do deep sea diving. It can overcome terminal velocity – that’s right folks you heard me.

Cruising in his favorite token of success, his Green 3-series BMW Convertible, the world passes him by and he could be no happier. Just him, his drop-top, the road, and his bald spot – the epitome of the 4-seater ‘vert owner.


What I’m getting at is this. Don’t buy a 4-seater convertible unless you’re an older guy with an out of this world, badass fucking bald-spot. If you’re not the above, don’t get one. Their extra length more often than not results in a loss of torsional rigidity and a public exclamation of “I’m out and I'm proud.” Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you need to consider whether that's the message you're trying to express or not.